be careful what you wish for.

another lonely night,another cold night in my pétite apartment.
no matter what time is it-im always cold in this city,im kinda got used to it.

but i couldn't got use to the lonely days.
that wasn't my great idea of a new begginning.
french kills me,the weather kills me,the idiots around me kill me.
i just wanted to be away from where i was standing-but like always,
i was just dreaming.
i always prefer daydreams over reality.thats the fact,but sometimes i just cant differentiate dayreams from realities.when the reality gets me,then it hits me harshly.and thats the hardest part,with the emptied dreams by present,the nights aches more.
cold aches me harsher.


but despite my bitter memories,mistakes- i still keep dreaming.
dreaming of..well,you know.


this life tought me one thing:

''be careful what you wish for,
you might actually get it.''

untitled by diane arbus.

iyi gelirdi seninle konuşmak.neden bilmiyorum,durduk yere seni özledim.olmadı hiç böyle bişey,o ertesi sabah bile özlemedim seni.
sadece utanıyordum,ama ilk kez şimdi özlüyorum.konuşmaya ihtiyacım var birisiyle nedense sadece seninle.uzun uzun konuşmak.anlatmak.uzun uzun.sana.
anlamadım hiç seni.anlayamadım.merak ediyorum aslında-nasıl birisin.bunu hiç öğrenemedim.isterdim öğrenmek-ne seversin aslında,ne yapar ne okur ne yersin.ne izler ne dinlersin.kimi sever kimi sevmezsin.beni severmisin sevmezmisin.hiç birinin cevabını bilmiyorum.bildigim tek bişey varki bunların hepsinin cevabını verdin bana o uzun konuşmalarımızda-ama gerçek değillerdi ki.o sen değildin.yada öylemiydin-kim di o.yada öyle birisi varmıydı.olmayan birisini özlüyorum aslında.benimle konuşan birisi vardı-sendin o zamanlar-ama yarattıgın başkasıymış o.kaçan bazı cümleler senden ki belki,gerçekten senin söyledigin kaçak cümleler.ama aralardan seçemem.yapamam.yorgunum çok.ve hepsi gitti.sende öyle.hiç oldun mu-hayır.nefret ediyomuyum hayır.seviyormuyum hayır.istiyormuyum hayır.özlüyormuyum evet.sadece özlemek.belkide başka bir his.ama hasta ediyor-görmek dokunmak mide bulandırıcı.
sende yitip gidiceksin bi gün.içindeki herkesle beraber.oldugun ardına saklandıgın herkesinle yarattıgın herkesinle beraber-onlar senden önce gidicek.geriye sen kalıcaksın.çırılçıplak.
okyanusta çırılçıplak kalıcaksın.kendinle başbaşa.maviliğin en dibinde.ne de severim maviyi bilirsin sen.aklına bile gelmez ki o an.o an değil hiç bi zaman.sen en şeffaf halinde giderken maviliklerde-belki de huzurlu,olamicam ardında bir ben-diana misali.en az kendim kadar şeffaf...

hello new life.

i looked at my latest entry.i was such a drama queen -like always-.'get real' i said to myself.obviously,im doin' just fine contrast to the sentences i wrote like 'you fucked up my life.' no you didn't.who is to fuck up my life?and frankly who are you to fuck up my life?
you are such a random bastard i've seen a million times over.and now-you're o-v-e-r.
im over.im over it.im over you.im done with you.

theres always a beginning in every ending,that saying is so true.for me,thats a huge deal - im really making a new beginning.a new city,new school,new people,new circle and a new house!

thats huge.im so excited about this.i tried so hard-lord knows to get into a good college.i spent 3 years,whole three years to pass the admissions and finally i did it!i did my best and im in the best programme in my section,best literature programe!and besides finally i have my own apartment.its very small hardly made for one to live in it but i dont care cuz its mine own apartment!theres just 1 week left for me to leave,leave the city i grow up,leave my beautiful cats,leave my pink room,leave my best friends,leave my parents,and leave the biggest shopping mall ever lol.

its a new beginning.just what i need.
all i need was a new beginning where no one knows me.
a new fresh unwritten book.i can't wait to write in it.

Walk away.

i was naive.the thought of your love was like a candy.artificially sweet,i was deceived by the wrapper of yours.guess what?now im officialy bruised but i learned how to stand back,how to survive.but still i can't stop my suffering.
i need to walk away.
i just need to walk away.
walk away.
get away
from you.

i should have known.i was used for amusement.it was all an illusion.i just don't know what to do.every step i take leads to a mistake.everything is an illusion.even my reflection in the mirror.so blur.so vulnerable.i just want an answer.i just want an explanation.

what did i do to deserve?you knew.you knew from the beginning.you just knew...all i got to say is that,you were acting.yes,you are an actor as everybody know.you should be nominated for oscar,you are the best actor i've fucking ever seen.but thanks anyway.thanks to you,i've seen the people i've never thought they existed.you disgust me.all your lies,all the pretending,just for your amusement right?you fucked up my life just for your amusement?

thanks to you and all your fucking friends,im not gonna trust anyone.i lost my trust in people.cuz there are a lot of people round the world and that scares me.scares me a lot.just need to fucking walk away from you.need to get away.walk away from you..

Dizzy bedlam

Surrounded by the emptiness

Feeling dizzy in this loneliness

After a couple of cheap bottles

I'm back again to my bedlam

Oh how I wish you were here right now

Not you,accurately.

I wish someone here with me right now

Not you,for sure.

You're not even honest to me

Honesty had to come first.

I don't wanna see this upset kid

When I look into your eyes again

I just wanna see a big boy.

Confident boy.

Big honest boy.

But you haven't been honest to me ever.

Illusions becoming clearer

The ache of emptiness cuttting deeper

After a couple of years out of myself

I'll be back again to this bedlam

Oh how I wish I could hurt you

Hurt you so bad

Make you cry

I hate your past doesn't involving me

When I had to be your whole past

And future

But you can't even be my present

Not always,accurately

Sometimes yes

Not always,for sure.

Winter.

Crystal flakes falling above
Time to shine with crystals on my head
With my fur coat and new boots
I'm ready to take back my sanity

Mirror mirror,where is the words
Telling me I'm beautiful
If you wouldn't say it when
I'm wearing white diamonds
You'll never say it then
I'll might never wear the white
While waiting for my man

Conversation circles began in my head
Your parfume filled my head
As the sky turned red
With cheap bottles and dead cigarettes
I've lost my sanity
Again